So. I’m tired. I don’t know whether I am tired physically, or because of this series of rapid changes, but I am tired. I am sure part of it is that I still haven’t regulated my schedule. I just can’t make myself see the point of getting out of my bed at 3:30 if I have nowhere to go, and I just want to sleep.

In other news, I have reached the serious part of the non-smoker plan. Three cigarettes yesterday. Two so far today. I’m having to do some fast talking with myself. I don’t want to quit smoking. I do want to be a non-smoker. Which dog will I feed? And also, those cookies…..GIVE THEM TO ME!

Speaking of cookies, I had a discussion with several pairs of jeans today. Basically, the discussion consisted of me saying “buh bye.” For those of you wondering why I dress mostly in skirts and tops, let me tell you. My waist is about a size 12/14. Hips, 10/12. Ass, 6/8. The jeans that make my butt look good are impossible to button. Unless they are low rise, and then I can button them, but the band rolls down and my belly hangs out for all the world to see, which is gross because tiger stripes, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t have a closet full of tunics.

I am not even thinking about diet and exercise at this point. Too much else already going on. I’m going to stick with fixing my sleep and fixating on cigarettes.

This picture is all I want in life right now. Nicotine, cookies, and that Otter IN my bed. But I’m going to settle for some Earl Grey Raspberry and Game of Thrones.

Alternate Title: Sometimes I Get a Glimpse

This has been a good weekend. And I don’t mean a weekend full of frivolity. I mean this has been a weekend that fed my soul. Friday night, there was conversation and Game of Thrones. Saturday, I introduced my companion and my children to the Bookthing. I dropped off upwards of 100 books and left with only four. Yay, me. Then brunch. An afternoon spent napping. Excellent dinner, classic Dr. Who, more GoT. Gotta get ready for the new season by re-watching the old ones. This morning I cooked breakfast. I can’t even remember the last time I did that. Sitting at the table, surrounded by dear faces, just talking. I’ll be cooking breakfast more often, because the result is worth it. Afterward, more conversation over extended coffee while watching my children do their children things.

Apparently I looked distracted. I was not. I was fully present and fully focused in the moment– realizing how peaceful and solid I felt.

Now, I’m no fool. I don’t think. Maybe I am. But sometimes, I have to hear myself say a thing out loud before I allow myself to admit a deeper truth. Truth: I purge my house every January. Another truth: This year’s purge is wider and deeper than it has been since my divorce. Another truth: my physical environment is a close reflection of my mental and emotional self. Implied truth: If I am clearing out old things that no longer serve me, I am clearing out old emotions and ideas that no longer serve me. Conclusion: I am clearing physical space and mental/emotional space at the same time. I knew this, but I didn’t see what was happening until I said it out loud yesterday.

Sometimes, the universe conspires to give me a glimpse, and if I am paying attention, I am compelled to acknowledge the true state of things. And today’s true state of things with me is: I want more weekends like this. Weekends where nothing and everything happens. Weekends that are about loving the moments.

I felt a bit…what’s the word…rebellious?? Maybe. What I didn’t feel was like I had to wear all solids with the striped skirt. So I didn’t. As my children love to say, “I’m grown, I do what I want.”

Do you ever have one of those periods of time where you are experiencing positive emotions, but are somewhat weirded out by them? That’s me right now. I think I am uncomfortable because there could be change. Change is hard. Change is not usually fun. It stretches me in funny ways. Also, there’s the possibility that I still find happiness a bizarre personal condition.

Speaking of stretching, I didn’t think I had overdone it yesterday, but I’ve got some twinges in my hips and thighs today. I’d say I was out of shape, but I don’t want to hurt round’s feelings.

I’ve come across this quote several times in the past few days: “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” Antoine De Saint-Exupery I’m thinking hard on this one, so I thought I would leave it right here for a minute.

Oh, you thought mix and match referred to my clothes, didn’t you? Oops. I was talking about my head.

These are my children. Aren’t they lovely?

Here’s a thing that should never be done to children: no one should ever try to turn them against their parent. If their parent sucks badly enough, the kids will eventually figure it out themselves.

Here’s another thing that should never be done to children, even after they are grown: their soft white under-belly should never be exposed to others.

People who do those things need to be excised like a cancer.

And here’s a thing about communication: you can’t complain about the lack of it if you delete or ignore it when you get it.

And here’s a thing about passive-aggressiveness: I’m better at it, and I’ve just raised the bar. In public. Because my attempts at direct private communication have not been acknowledged, and I’m calling you out.